it comes down to all or nothing. do i do something to make me happy or everyone else? it comes down to i need to finally for once in my fucking life make myself happy. i am such a miserable person anyone who has ever been close to me knows that. i just can't help it. it's just me. i wish i could change i really could. i see myself do things and i realllllly cannot control half this shit. i'm always such a bitch. so, i'm readjusting my life and who i spend it with. i will surround myself with people who are happy, who will inspire me and hope for me to do the best at whatever it is i do. i can't help what i feel. but i'm happy now. i'm actually happy. i just want people to be happy that i'm happy. but that's asking too much i think.

When someone leaves you, or implies the intent of leaving, oh boy it can break a heart. This is coming from a heart that is black and blue instead of red because of all the beating. First day butterflies to last minute gut wrenching experiences. when people are hinting the awful truth of how they "really" feel, it opens up a huge can of worms. Every insecurity you've ever had gets exploited and confirmed. Heartache is a familiar feeling to everyone. So here we go again. But this time, I will be prepared. This heart will become bullet proof in this war of a situation. I can rise to the occasion and bow since i've been here before, but no one will take my dignity again. No way no how.

i can't avoid fate as much as i try. just some things are meant to be, and some aren't. you can pretend all you want. live some false happiness life style....that aint me babe. i just can't pretend im happy. i mean, now i am. i'm finally happy. relieved. once i get back into school, my life will be back on track. i have been thrown so many curve balls my entire fucking life, it'd be nice to get a break. from the sadness, from everything. i feel like all i've done is blinked and everything has changed. for the best i think, well for me anyway. i need to start thinking for myself. i am so tired of just trying to please everybody. how will i be happy if i never do anything to make myself happy? the only thing i do to make me happy is clean my room to some good tunes.

i am who i am. i didn't ask to be this way or do the things i do. i've tried to change. so many times, i mean come on, i hate me, but i just wont budge. and then maybe i think i'm this way for a reason. but it's just i stare in the mirror so hard and just go "who the fuck have i become?" or "how did i get this way?"

it's just so hard to believe that anyone could love me. i mean, i know guys think the love/like/are into me. but once you know the real me, your entire perspective changes. you wont feel the same way. that's just how it goes. that's my curse. pleasing to the eye, piercing to the heart.

or maybe it's just time i found myself someone who isn't just nice, but compatible with me. hrmmm, time will tell i know it.

oh how i hate contemplation. i have finally realized how much i despise the internet. now i understand how hypocritical this is, but i moderate how much time i spend sitting in front of a computer screen. it can't be good for your eyes. and possible carpaltunnel (my mom said that is how it is spelt). it's just i am finally seeing how much other shit i could be getting done. like working a shit load. or fucking reading a book for once.
I don't know, i hate not being satisfied with my life. i feel like i should be doing so much better. then again, i have to remember these things take time. i am so young still i have so much to go through and learn and all that good shit haha.

ok so about this eric montalvo guy<3. in the middle of last year, i hit a huge weird situation in my life that involved a lot of adult decisions but only kid solutions. at the end of the day, i know what i did was right no matter who it effected in a bad or good way, i needed to do what i needed for myself. I never thought anyone could love me like he does. and i have the fucking nerve to give him attitude. i have put that kid through so much shit and he never gives up on loving me. i just never believed another guy could come and sweep my off my feet and i didn't realize what surprise i was in for. i couldn't have this any other way. i need to put my personal bull shit a side and make this work with him before i lose him. and i need him. he saved me. i owe my life to him.

now i have to go pick up the dyke<3

why am i still awake? you know when you have a weird day and at the end of it nothing adds up or makes sense so you are left confused? it's confusing, i guess. it's not that anyone or anything specific makes it be that way, but i just look back and it feels like a blur. i can read minds and predict the future. it's kind of scary, but i think i might be serious...imagine? i neeeeeeeeeeed a job so bad. ugh ilueric<3

so i can't sleep because my dad is taking me somewhere tomorrow, but he wont tell me where. i love surprises they make life like so worth it for some reason. I love pink floyd. my eyes are so heavy but they wont close. i need a job.
for the first time in my life i have a boy, wait no, a man who loves me and treats me right. this is like unheard of.
today i was talking with taylor and her mom about how blinded and basically, what a fucking idiot i was. and i am so glad i am not that person anymore. i'm almost back to old kelly, it's still taking time though. i'm still so fucked up. ugh. thank god for eric montalvo that's all i can say. without him, i have no idea where the fuck i'd be. probably somewhere bad. i'm such a dick. i want to play soccer but i don't. i am so confused. i have no idea what i want to do. and i'm not going to waste my time at school for a couple of years, drop out because it's not what i want, and then go back. i would rather get this childish bullshit out now while i'm young. i need to grow up. i'm getting close. everyone says i look like a woman. haha sexy<3 no i'm kidding haha. i make myself laugh.

now i'm sleepy
night

if you reaaaaallly want to know.
i got my tonsils out a week ago. well, last tuesday. everything went well, except for when i got home. Shit just kind of hit the fan. It's weird in a way, because when it comes to like really big things i'm usually laid back and really along for the ride, but not this time. I was so freaked out about this surgery. Probably because I was really anticipating the amount of pain i would be in after. I was totally right. The night after I came home, i had to get rushed back because of breathing difficulties where i was given a steroid shot and hooked up to a breathing humidifier forever and had saline drops shot up my nose. I felt better on the way home, but when i got home, spent some time over the toilet bowl throwing up. I think the salty saline drops that dripped into my stomach did it. Anyway, the pain was so excruciating, but i just popped hydrocodone like peanuts. I ended up sleeping for about 3 days straight. When I started feeling better, i decided to head back over to westbury and spend sometime with eric and missy and chuck would take care of me. Things around the house were awkward and weird to begin with like usual. I don't know, it was just uncomfortable. Later on in the week, I started eating less and less and felt nausea most of the day. By saturday, the mixture of hydrocodone, the antibiotic they gave me, and gulping ice cold water apparently didn't sit so well in my stomach. So, more time spent with my face buried in the toilet bowl. I threw up about 4 or 5 times and ended up spitting up some blood which was unpleasant but i was told it would be a possibility. So i've been feeling better until yesterday which ended up just being a shit show and poor eric happened to be stuck right there. I had something in my throat so i went to go clear it up and spit it out in the sink. Ready, this is like something straight out of a horror movie. So I spit once, and it's blood. I spit again, more blood. Now, I don't even need to spit, it's just straight up blood pouring out of my mouth. For a good idk minute or two. So now i'm like "ERIC! COME HERE! MAKE IT FUCKING STOP" hysterical crying. blood is like pouring out of my mouth into the sink and is getting like all over my legs and on the floor. Oh it was awful. But since I'm so entertaining, half way through this little dilemma, i look up at myself in the mirror and my teeth are just stained blood red and i have like blood dripping from my mouth and i just go "oh i look so brutal right now". thankfully, eric made me calm the fuck down. so he takes me in my room and makes me stop crying because it was only making it worse and like calmed me down. so then he needed to look in my throat to see if the blood was in the back or front of my mouth. All he had was his lighter to look quickly in my throat. So he's lookin around checking out the situation and he goes to put the lighter down and burns my arm hahaha. It was just such a merry mix up. But it took my mind off my throat. What a dick. I love him so much.

So I'm getting this job at ABC with my mom doing some closed captioning stuff in the city. I am sooo excited. I am going to try to join americorps vista in brooklyn so i can get a place there and start a life in the city.

Eric Montalvo has changed my life completely. He totally saved my life. I have been sober for I don't even know how many months now, I don't even drink anymore. I am so lucky he came home and decided to give me another chance because I have no idea where I would be right now without him.

Oh my goodness so much good music is coming out and stuff. It's a pretty exciting time these days.

my throat hurts so bad. i can barely open my mouth. i can barely move. every time i try to talk i feel nauseaus. i already threw up the night after i got them out. i can't breathe. i'm so fucking lonely and miserable right now =(

I hate this. I don't even know what. I hate being here. I want to leave, but I don't want to at the same time. Atleast I am doing something good for myself and this country. I've made some new/old friends which makes me happy to have some closure.
I'm sick of people. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I'm really losing it though. What the fuck. That's all I can seem to say anymore. I'm excited to get wasted with my family friday and saturday. I have to turn my life around right now. For serious. Fuck.

Joining Americorps VISTA is probably the craziest thing I've ever done. But it was a necessary change. After I do two years of that, I can join the Peace Corps which is my main goal. I never thought I'd get out of here. I'm leaving so much behind. I'm not sure what I am going to do about the things I have established here. I guess we'll just have to be strong if we choose. I'm not sure. About anything. I guess that's why I am doing this. My head is itchy.

Missy is bringing me home food because she is the bestest roommate ever.

I love the friendship Alina and I have. I don't think anything can fuck us up anymore. It's basically us two in everything toogether and that's all we really need, I think.

I'm living my life more impulsively one day at a time. Whoops.